compline

I sobbed at compline today, 

my tears rolled down 

my cheeks and into 

my lap 

as I shook. 

Words cannot quite 

paint the pain 

that streaked 

    into my hidden place 

    where my hurts are sheltered, 

and ignited the deepest ones,

the ones I had thought I had tended to and 

tucked away for safe keeping. 

 

haven’t you heard? grief comes in waves. 

 

Her father was dying of brain cancer as she started grad school, away from home. 

My mother was dying of brain cancer as I started college, away from home. 

It is uncanny how stories rhyme. 

Hiding behind a mask of anonymity, 

no one here knows my mother. 

The prolonged grief. The gradual dying 

            I don’t think you get it. 

How could you? 

I am not even sure 

            what I mean to say 

or what there is to get. 

Shaking sobs tear me asunder. 

I cannot even eke out the words of closing prayer, 

            eyes blurred by tears, 

amen.