to be great

 “I want to be great. Or nothing.”

Amy March’s words haunt me. In every fold of my life, I feel as though the mediocrity of it all will subsume me. This fear of being average persistently follows me around, prodding my shoulder, whispering in my ear, convincing me continually of my fraud and commonness. 

It feels dangerous to put these self-damning thoughts on paper, but maybe it is time to just let it all out. The frustration of it all. The feeling that I am not doing enough: practicing enough, reading enough, going out enough, loving enough, helping enough, being enough. Am I?

Am I enough?

 

 

What gets me is that I know the “right” answer. I know that my self-worth does not rest on what I do or how I do it. I know this fundamental truth is a key tenant of my identity as a follower and lover of Christ. But sometimes it just feels so intangible. Every fiber of my being seems to scream for the spectacular–for sweeping change and limitless love. How can I be content where I am when so much of the world needs to be tended to and cared for?

What makes me think that I can make a difference? Is this just another symptom of my privilege? That I see a problem and think that I of all people, am the one to put together the puzzle pieces of systemic change and growth?

What am I supposed to do?

 

I think the kicker is that there is no real, easy, cookie cutter answer. I don’t think I’ll ever stumble upon a solution that will neatly check all the boxes, satisfying my hunger for justice, peace, and holistic health. The reality is that life’s a mess. The world is a mess. I'm a mess. 

but maybe that's ok.