sad

today dad asked us if we were okay with cremating mom's body. Zab and I left sb in a hurry today, packing up and flying here with a turn around time of an hour and a half. 

and now we are home, sitting in the uncomfy. being, well uncomfortable. we had a little family chat downstairs, which is where the cremation conversation arose. dad suggested donating her body to science, they'd have a hey day with her ravaged tissues I suppose. but he didn't feel great about that one, I think he feared lack of closure, of not having any ashes to bury for 2 weeks, or 4 years. or sometime in between . this all sucks though. it broke me as dad apologized to us all for this. as if he had any say in the matter. and then he was honest and said that he was mostly feeling sad, not angry, and he cried on Zab's shoulder. he gave us space to feel whatever it is we need to feel, and I love him for that. 

she's still alive, but basically unresponsive. we are to say goodnight to her every night as if it will be the last.

 messy messy messy human existence.