2022

Here are tidbits of gratitude, reflections and observations taken out of my journal–written in the form of a letter to God–from nearly every day this year. 

Hey God,

january

May this year be one of peace in all its forms, a peace that surpasses understanding and a love that knows no end.

You’re in fresh snow and Makayla and good conversations

in Echo! And our friendship that has lasted all this time

 

I just hate crying, 

 

I went to an infusion with my mom today and I tried to engage and be patient–I wasn’t reading nor on my phone, but it was excruciating at times, and felt so defeating.

 

I try to remember what she was like before. 

 

May I try to reflect your light and love today and be honest with myself and others. 

Blue Iris by Mary Oliver, “well I can write down words, like these, softly”

OH, the sunrise on the plane, ‘twas surreal to watch the sun creep over the horizon and light up the world below.

 

What a joyous day!

I scoured my room looking for my electric toothbrush but I can’t find it anywhere. 

thankful for sunshine and yoga and ankle strengthening shenanigans. 

Izzy, Britta and I watched the dolphins frolic in the waves as the sun set–the joy of those sweet creatures as they leapt! 

today I was just feeling sad.

You’re in Ella, she is such a gem and asks such big questions and has such a kind heart–what a gift. 

Another failed attempt to Tangerine Falls

 

Yoga! My practice brings me closer to 

            myself 

               my body

               my spirit

               my inner-being

            self love

            God.

I sabbathed in my own way and had a restful day

You’re in dear Sydney, she is such a safe space and cares so deeply about so so many things and people. 

Thankful for ping pong and strange cupcake recipes

It’s late and I’m rushed but you’re in making time for yoga, lovely humans, and busy days.

You’re in Dee and her heart and attention to detail. 

 

So many ups and downs, oh my goodness; I did not enjoy feeling my feelings. 

 

It brought me such joy to see all my favorite humans spending quality time with each other.

May this week be full of joy and presence and peace.

            thankful that I get to live here

 

busy bee I am, and I had my two best waves probably ever!

So many joyous moments today!

feeling like there is some processing that I really need to be doing but I just really don’t want to right now, ughhh.

the Lord’s Prayer: It’s much more radical and groundbreaking than I thought. 

 

You were in cooking adventures, art on “the green hill” and a spectacular Carlsbad sunset. 

not one of my better self-love days and my ankle still hurts which is a major drag.

 

May I continue to live into the messiness of feeling things and feeling them deeply. 

 

february

Help me hold onto peace this week. 

Lots of blues and greys amidst the sunshine today

Help me speak only kind thoughts to myself and to not project my insecurities on other people.  

You’re in good people who care about hard things

Thank you for Rebecca and her wisdom and perspective

            I’m feeling a little run down and weary, just a bit empty and lonely

To sit in the tension of the overpowering joy and sorrow, I suppose that is what we are called to.

            

So many sun-kissed moments today–grateful for the garden and the book of Acts!

A looong day with once again, not enough time to do all of the things, particularly homework.

Feeling a bit frazzled as my days just seem to be slipping away from me.

                        deep breaths. 

 I don’t have the bandwidth–emotionally, temporally even– to simply sit and be still.

So many other big thoughts are floating around in my head but I don’t have the energy right now to write them down. 

Thankful for dear Frannie and her good questions and caring heart; there is much to rejoice in but so much to grieve. 

dozed on my couch after four hours of beach time 

                        please help my wallet show up some place soon. 

Sarah brought me flowers!!

It just feels like women are better than men (problematic I know)

grateful for my powerful body!

Today I am feeling weary, weary of battling the same internal dialogue of reprimanding myself for negative thoughts and then going through the whole thing all over again

 

But life on earth doesn’t have happy endings, not really 

            conflicted, messy.

help me be joyfully present, patient and helpful, gracious

                                                go go go 

 

oh Lord, be with this aching groaning world 

may we sit in those uncomfortable spaces a bit more

A moment of mourning for cousin Gary, that larger than life dude, it’s jarring.

            In Dad, doing his best to make every day count

 

the soul is heavy today, yet you were in the beautiful purple wisteria blossoms all around campus

 

March

Yay for surfing, pretty sunrises and cute lil children!

            the practice and liturgy of ash Wednesday

I almost fell asleep in Cross Cultural Studies today so that was not a win 

You were in my morning bike ride to Dune and 

I just don’t think we can be divine image bearers and totally depraved, it just doesn’t add up (so the doctrine of total depravity is a no go for me)

May you continue to hold her tight when she feels the most numb, God. 

            What a strange day. 

Today I mourn the racism that affects how we welcome refugees

Thankful for sociology of race/etn and that little haven on campus

You’re in Holly and her openness, candor and pure love for You

So grateful for people like Ruby Sales who testify that You are God even in the midst of such hatred.      

            

You shine so brightly through her. 

I got that blue V4 I couldn’t get yesterday! 

            Yummy avocado bagels with feta cheese, fancy that, and wispy pink clouds. 

 

Brace yourself, you’re headed home once more. You as in me. But there’s no use in wallowing in self-pity.

                        I do feel the resentment creeping in. 

            I got a glimpse of Mom’s big smile today. 

I was reading a book today and the author commented in passing, that grief in America is something we just try and blow past, in a thank you next fashion

 

“The white reign of terror is invisible and cumulative. “ (Minor Feelings)

 

Mom had another rough day, turns out Monday was an aberration, not the norm

            I never took advantage of the depth and wonder that my mom had to offer the world,

            forgive me for my arrogance. 

Are these not the most sacred and preciously precarious miracles of them all?

You’re in impassioned rants from Dad about the necessity of taxes

 

God, she’s hurting so much. I see it so I know You do too, why are You killing her so slowly?

            I pray God, for Your peace. 

Saying goodbye to Mom today was heartbreaking

                        she was crying and it was so hard for me to pull away. 

Be with the family as we navigate through hospice stuff and you are in all things good. 

            I cried in the garden instead of going to chapel today

Grateful for a lil ocean dip, homework in Dart Garden and Sarah Duff

I teared up as I sang about how Your goodness never fails and I just thought of Mom, sitting there on her couch and my heart broke, as I’m sure Yours does too. 

 

You’re in sweet chats, giggles and yummy whipped cream

God you created such wonderful humans and I felt honored to listen tonight

the wisps of fog that floated off the green topped hills were divine.

I literally was shaking so much as I cried but she came over and sat next to me and held me as I rested on her shoulder–her knowing, calming presence, what a gift that was

thankful for puddles, that after-rain smell and all the life that rain seems to brighten up 

I can’t wait to see how You work through her. 

I’m not sure how seriously I want to take the nitty gritty details of Paul, he certainly made mistakes right?

                                                so much tiredness

 

April

I just feel so lonely, exhausted and unworthy. 

Help me continue to ask for help and shoulders to cry on. 

            I am not sure how I am going to get through the week .

I am home now; help me be present and helpful but still when I need to be

Oh what a trial filled life this is, but as Uncle Dave says, “this life is fatal. But not final”

We called so many folks today and they got the opportunity to say goodbye, Betsy prayed a prayer of peace and blissful passing over Mom.

A liturgy of loss: a little bit of relief and a whole lot of sadness

Heavy by Mary Oliver, “that time I thought I could not go any closer to grief without dying. I went closer and I did not die. Surely God had his hand in this.”

            So much grief and sadness and somehow also pockets of joy and laughter. 

“Have you heard the laughter that comes, now and again, out of my startled mouth?”

I know you welcomed her home and gave her a hug–she can finally be freed from the insidious poison of cancer. 

I’m already feeling the temptation to not feel anything at all, how will I ever go and sit in a classroom like a regular person ever again?

 

            I thought that if I didn’t hold on so tight it’d be easier to let go.

 

Who do I tell about the horror of the past week? About how she lay there, dead and graying, as we waited for her body to be taken? How can I explain that I am so relieved that she has died but detest that she is dead? That they zipped her up and took her away in a maroon body bag?

 

I was cold and crabby as we skied. 

It felt to me to be a strange mix of sacred and sacrilegious as we honored her memory by trying on her old clothes but at the same time marred her passing by rummaging through her possession, as if we were grave robbers, pawning through the belongings of the dead. 

            I appreciated how much agency our hospice nurse bestowed upon the dying.

 

Everything seems to be the same but nothing is.

Help me not feel guilty for not feeling sad all of the time. 

Feeling loved and supported, given the space to grieve as I need to and process as the thoughts come. 

                                                My life feels shockingly normal. 

Oh Lord what a brutal and terrible death you died, if all this stuff is real.

May I not minimize my loss

Thank you God, for big trees, wide open skies, poetry, and Mae. Help me hold on to the serenity of the mountains and the grandeur of your creation–just like the Sequoias, we all must live through fire. 

                        Jumbled. 

I just felt joy emanating from those small children.

I do not do a good job of letting people in and being fully known.

Thankful for crawling out of bed before the sun rises to go surfing.

 

“I am more powerful than my mourning, too strong to admit such sorrow” 

from I fear my hardening heart

It was hard to see a happily married couple and not feel sad that Dad doesn’t have that.

Thankful for community in my cutie little section.

I woke up too early but did get a killer lift in.

Joy in breakfast with Will, what an odd fellow.

 

I think it’d be nice to not see anyone for months, to sit in a cabin in the woods and pass my days with my nose in a book or in the bushes.

 

Kylen! And her abundance of joy about fairs and ferris wheels. 

 

May

It’s crazy how such definitive elements of people’s life stories are often not the most readily known. 

Words are power and truly have the might to spark deep emotions

            mourning 

the violence that silenced 10 peaceful shoppers who were just living while black

lean in, lean in, lean in

Ginger snaps, cutie voice memos and blessings

Help me be reminded of my goodness and worth that do not rest in my physical appearance

My head and my heart are such messes right now.

 

One month out: feeling tired and sad and not ready to see soooo many people tomorrow

I just dozed for a second as I was writing…

You are in Eva, who made me the cutest card with the most precious drawing of us in Yosemite on it, I love her!

I tried (and failed) to practice patience as I helped Zab pack and clean up, not my best of days

You’re in conversations about well, You and what we believe to be the expansiveness and inclusivity of your Gospel and Kingdom 

Forgive me for my impatience with Zab, are we sensing a theme?

I see a hummingbird flit by, hues of blues and greens and browns 

You were in the lush greenery and powerful waves and the persistence of the water that molded the rock forms in such a particular way.

 

Thankful for the Color Purple and Walker’s reminder that You create beautiful things simply so that we can be breath taken when we behold them. May I pause every day to see the color purple streaking through all of Your creation: in people, places, plants and everything in between.

 

Thank You for a lovely walk at Slavin conservation, Bob Ross painting fiascos and yoga. 

 

All the photos made me realize how little I truly knew my mom but how much she and Dad did together as they raised us; we hiked, surfed, climbed, rode horses, boated, floated in floods, road tripped, and did everything in between.

 

“Won’t you look down upon me Jesus you gotta help me make a stand. I can’t make it any other way.” I am feeling confused about what it means to not have a mom. 

I think it’s going to mean a lot of different things in a lot of different seasons

 

May we hold onto our vulnerability.

 

It’s trying to control chaos at this point, but you have to start somewhere. 

Joy came in the form of spike ball with Madi, Bas and JT.

I went on a run when I needed a little people break. 

Today was Mom’s service and it was long but beautiful in a sad sort of way–joy that sorrow has shaded, most certainly. 

We played ultimate frisbee and the only thing missing was Mom: bouncing around, poking fun, laughing her big laugh. What a gift it is to live.

 

I am on the train, eastward bound for Glacier; it feels surreal and I have no idea what to expect.

Thankful for Kyle, always an intriguing time chatting with him–we just exist in two very different worlds.

I was down by the lake in this beautiful place yet I felt so unable to appreciate the grandeur of it all, and seemed so disconnected from myself and from You.

I was in a much better headspace today, maybe yesterday I was just reeling from the horrid loss of life in Uvalde. 

            I wish I could’ve captured that fog scampering off with a hawk in the foreground.

I trained as a barista today, pulling shots, steaming milk–very exciting stuff here. 

                        Ah the tension ushered in by living with the bittersweetness of life. 

Thank You for new friends, sunshine reflecting off the mountains and a cute lil book. 

            so many precious moments. 

So grateful for snail mail!!

You are in itty bitty white flowers, big green trees, sweeping vistas, pointy mountain peaks, rushing creeks and a lovely lake. 

 

An interlude: Reasons for staying (inspired by ocean vuong)

yoga first thing in the morning, massaging life into a creaky spike and stiff limbs. songs that speak straight to the soul. wildflowers. alpine lakes. books where the pages turn themselves and stories that are yet to be told. stumbling across kindred spirits. the stars. family and frisbee and fireside chats. reading poetry and sipping tea. early morning runs above the marine layer, gliding across the road, untethered, free. snail mail. rings. the sudden urge to drop everything and run to the farthest corner of the world, alone, but known and held–beloved.

 

June

It was such a blessing to be out in the beauty and the light as I planted flowers for two hours. 

we followed a deer on the trail for a solid four minutes and I accidentally stepped in the lake, oops.

This is my own little slice of the world and I don’t want her meddling, which doesn’t really make sense.

                      Rain, a haiku: 

                                                peaceful, grounding, true

                                                God, she is weeping for us, 

                                                her soft heart breaks too.

What a joy it was to get wet.

I hit a wall at 3:30 and didn’t know how I’d finish by shift but hot cocoa and gum did the trick. 

You were in the abundance of green, all shades and shapes and colors. 

Thankful for Quin and their latte hearts, in sunshine and mountains and chats about nostalgic farmlands–bright green trees, berry picking, and lightning bugs. 

 

Just ate an orange as a fever-dream of a midnight snack (courtesy of Landon) and I’m on the train home, couldn’t be more uncomfy.

We made quite the ruckus at graduation with the cut out heads and confetti cannons and whistles, celebration in the midst of the sadness of being together without Mom 

It’s days like today where I keep half expecting Mom to pop up, she would’ve loved it all. 

 

I suppose family is the most important, but selfishly I want to stay in Glacier longer so I can hike more. I just am not at my best here. I seem to be a performer of sorts, dancing on a broken stage and following an incomplete script. 

 

I am back at Apgar, wowee, and what a warm welcome I received. And more snail mail!!

You are in powerful falls and towering craggy peaks that were all shrouded in mist, what a sight it was to behold. And in Echo and Jenae too!

            tiny paw prints! hip deep snow! the thundering sound of an avalanche!

 What I wouldn’t give for some silence right now, the humdrum of downstairs is never ceasing. 

Thank you for a slow morning, sunshine, and books I can get lost in. 

I just stayed up way too late reading and now I’m pooped!

 

Stay with me God as I learn to balance these tensions of gratitude and grief, to hold them “both more loosely yet somehow much more dear.”

We got incredibly drenched; it was craziness.

Happy summer and international yoga day!

You’re in a late-night jump into Lake MacDonald and star gazing, I just felt so grounded laying on the grass, staring at the universe out there as one shooting star fell for so long.

            Thankful for new friends who feel like they’ve been around forever. 

You’re in the odd little community here and fun facts of the day. 

Hiked Huckleberry with Estrella today, we are just so similar in some ways, it’s uncanny. 

 

I felt sluggish and lethargic and honestly had no idea who to reach out to. But thank goodness for paddle boarding yoga and a cute little family cheering me on as I did a headstand.

I am proud of myself for the hike today, for trusting my body and my hiking pals and putting one foot in front of the other. 

I only had a couple mishaps, and all my tables were very sweet. 

You’re in quiet moments writing and a random trip into Kalispell. 

 

I’ve still got some things that don’t quite fit neatly into boxes but that is life I suppose

 

July

Today, beauty abounded in my hike up Glacier View Mountain.

I am whole, worthy and loved. 

You’re in friendly people and tables who don’t ask to split their checks.

Today Landon and I did lots of hiking, driving, and chatting and tried to get into Canada,

            You were so present in the abounding greenery, dramatic peaks, and lingering misty fog

What a wild ride of a day, I witnessed the most insane firework debacle in Hungry Horse 

We got to share about our moms and we teared up on the trail 

Sydney’s letter was exactly what I needed; it made things make sense in a muddled sort of way

                                    I live for wildflowers on hikes. 

Felt quite alive today as we drove under surreal clouds, swirling this way and that, and I cried as we listened to Crowded Table

Apikuni Mountain: it was a bit of a doozy but we got basically a bird’s eye view of Glacier!

 

Such good energy. 

Help me set aside more time to be with you: unplugged, silent and grateful. 

You are in coworkers who commiserated with me and helped me hobble along via oolong tea and smiles. 

Thankful for a body I trust to get me up big mountains and pull me across sketchy sections. 

Watching Brother Bear made me think about how profoundly we have meddled with the natural order of things. 

You’re in startlingly blue lakes, snow capped peaks and a windswept snow basin that was tantalizing but deadly. 

 

So much feels unfinished: so many hikes left to do, relationships to deepen and laughs to be had 

our unhurried seasons always seem to rush on by

You’re in space for dialogue, deconstruction and letters from people I love. 

Of course I had to borrow some sunscreen again from a random hiker. 

So thankful for a meadow hopping morning with Morgs

I am a bit tired after that 19 mile day out on the Dawson-Pitamakan loop

Grateful for floating on the lake on a paddleboard and wildflowers, self-timer pics, and trees peering through the mist. 

 

In the backcountry! The alpine glow was quite lovely and the mountains at dusk looked serene and stately.

                        It just seemed like I was in a movie. Who knows. 

A gentle cacophony of music greets me and I wish to write an ode to the loon. 

 

My train was delayed 6+ hours and my flight was canceled. What a day. 

Made it to the east coast, maybe tomorrow I will do some mental unpacking and processing, we’ll see. 

Thankful for starry central Pennsylvania skies. Every time I come back here it feels smaller.

            Some days I just feel fragile and ugly and unlovable and today is one of those days. 

            BUT I know I am strong and powerful and beautiful and my worth rests in You. 

Gratitude today: the Locke’s and boating with them, cold grapes, sunshine, water skis, and wakeboards, not getting sunburnt, and my “so true”-isms. 

Thank you for good company and memories in the making

 

A pause. It’s funny how memories from my childhood are skewed in a way. Everything is made out to be much more dramatic. Hills were mountains, a neighboring town felt hours away, a little pond was all that was needed to fill an afternoon with joy. The lane felt longer, the farm seemed endless but now the lilac bush appears less stately, the creek, less cold. Yet the maple tree has grown with me. I can still recall desperately scrambling up, hoisting myself between the two branches, surveying the world from my leafy perch. The bark is slick now, worn down by time, by wind and rain and by the hands of many other little climbers who were also eager to stand a bit taller. The brook still babbles along, the lightning bugs still brighten up the darkening skies and the smattering of birds still manage to create a melodic mashup– the cherry on top for a morning of writing in the sun, unhurried and serenaded.

 

There were certainly sad moments today as I thought about Mom’s ashes being buried in a box on the other side of the country from where we lived.   

It doesn’t seem fair to reduce a person to some words on a stone.

You’re in rolling green hills, small children and cousins. 

The amount of Trump paraphernalia made me queasy. 

Thankful for all the people who put up with us when we were small humans. 

The end of the tunnel felt surreal and otherworldly; the trees and shrubs were literally glowing

 

The exhaustion in the air is palpable as we lounge around my aunt’s house. For some, grief looks like pulling a blanket over their heads, and stealing a few moments of slumber. As for me, I distracted myself with their light dumbbells, and now, with words. We buried Mom today, or at least what was left of her: ashes in an ornate wooden box with carved flowers and a cross. Dad placed the box in the ground, sobbing as he knelt, seeming so small. 

“Death ends a life but not a relationship, not love.”

I for some reason, felt the need to hold back my tears, not super sure why.

Thankful for rolling, forested hills, for chats with Nae and for Shannon and Katherine and their hospitality. 

It was so serene and green and exactly what I needed. 

 

August

The drive from Savannah to Tybee Island was full of expansive grasslands, well perhaps they were wetlands. Regardless, it was stunning and we caught the tail end of the sunset. 

We had only a few minor hiccups today.

Thankful for the Freedom Riders, many of whom were imprisoned for “breaking the peace”. 

Truly we got to walk where history unfolded. What courage they had! And what deep faith. 

It was heartbreaking to see where King was shot, yet as we listened to the speech he gave the night before, it seemed he had a premonition of what was to come

Go Dad for driving all that way, quite crazy. 

You’re in dramatic landscape changes and pretty rocks. 

I misplaced my journal, so it’s been a couple of days oops. 

Yesterday we did rim to rim of the Grand Canyon. You were in the stunning beauty of the canyon–arid and scathing hot on one trail and green and full of life on another. 

Cross country trip #4 is almost over

I feel like my family is suffocating me, squeezing the life out of me. I feel like a shadow of myself but I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. 

A much needed break from the family today. I missed having a regular routine and I can’t wait to establish a healthy one in Mexico.

You’re in the rhythms that accompany surfing and time outside in the sun, burns aside, in books, yummy food and family. 

 

Today we scattered some of Mom’s ashes; we took one vial out as the sun set, swimming past the waves, forming a circle, and as the clouds lit up, we released a bit of Debbie to the sea.

We remembered the hole she left, but life, as it does, moves on and we must enjoy where we are, as much as it hurts to go on without her. 

It was an incredible performance–the Tchaikovsky Spectacular.

Thankful for this life and adventuring and exploring even when I feel frustrated by the lack of planning. 

You’re in the beauty of the Sequoias and the chance to scatter some of Mom’s ashes in a place she loved so much. 

Thank You for big trees that have grown for ages, withstanding flames, floods and droughts. 

You were in a beautiful sunrise and the slow but sturdy process of the sun peeking through the clouds and mountains. 

                        There was green, green grass that was basically begging me to lay in it. 

Grateful for a late night walk and a productive packing session. 

Thankful for 2 hour face times with Eva; it was so so good to see her face and catch up cuz we literally hadn’t talked in two months 

            Imagine tomando una clase con Ocean Vuong, me moriría. 

Metas para el semestre: presencia, paz, paciencia con mis compañeros y con mi misma. 

Entendí muy poco de misa hoy.

Ahorita, puedo escuchar a mi familia practicando como decir mi nombre. 

Escribimos hoy un poema de brócoli en la forma de Carmen Villoro. 

            Poco a poco vamos conociéndonos. 

Probé una paloma y me gustó cuando no sabía del alcohol.

Gracias por una noche relajada, platicando con Caro y Moni, lindísimas personas. 

Lloré en el autobús hoy mientras leía correos electrónicos escritos para mi madre.  

No tengo energía para escribir ahora. 

¡Leí un mapa real! Y caminé mucho, como 20000 pasos y estoy agotada. 

Sé que ya he plantado semillas de amistad con Ella pero aquí están brotando mucho. 

Pasé muchísimo tiempo hoy pensando en mis traducciones, ¡híjole, tanto inglés!

 

septiembre 

Gracias por las caminatas a solas, pan dulce y las mujeres de mi casa. 

Tengo que mejorar mi habilidades de bailar porque la neta es que no puedo mover mi cuerpo así, pero tuve mi momento cuando pusieron “I love Rock n Roll.”

Llovizna y muchas risas compartidas.

Doy gracias por días lentos, siestas y Andrea. 

            Por chais caliente, árboles, charcos y truenos. 

                        los ritmos de la lluvia

Cada vez que hablo con Mercy, me sorprende todas nuestras semejanzas, como bailando y jugando en las canchas de basquetbol en la lluvia cuando éramos niñas, en países lejos de aquí.

 

Desperté al sonido de la lluvia 

Ayúdame a cultivar una relación contigo sin compararla a la fe de los demás. 

 

Había mucha cosificación de la mujer–desde mi punto de vista, pero quizás soy una cínica. 

Amiga mía! gracias por un amanecer tan precioso, con un cielo rosado y las calles tranquilas

Fue un día lleno de aventura y artefactos que llevan historias y tragedias en sus interiores. 

¿Dónde están las mujeres en la historia?

Hoy: el templo mayor, horchata, fresas con crema, pozole y amigos buenísimos. 

            La oportunidad aprender la historia mórbida de la Plaza de las tres culturas 

La imaginación me hizo pensar en cómo Teotihuacan era antes, llena de gente, con los pirámides brillantes

Gracias por Kikey y nuestra gorra de Juan Jose Arreola, y por Caro, Moni y Tere. 

            ¡Gorditas, yoga, fuegos artificiales! Aunque un palo me pegó en la pierna… 

            Y hoy pegué mi cabeza en la una caja de una pared mientras que estaba caminando, 

tengo un “scrape” y un gran dolor de cabeza. 

 

Why do I struggle so much with loving myself and recognizing the good that resides in me, the good that I so readily accept and respect in others?

 

Gracias por Sarah Duff. 

 

Pues qué día para empezar un nuevo diario, fue una noche loca. 

                        God has been moving in lots of ways I suppose 

I tend to place a lot of value in the things I am doing when the truth is that I am inherently valuable simply for existing. 

 

Gracias por Analisa y Zach y su honestidad en nuestro grupito hoy. 

No sé por que pero me duele muchísimo mi cabeza aunque acabo de hacer un video de yoga para los dolores de cabeza

Gracias Dios por todo lo bueno, pero la verdad es que no todo de hoy fue bueno. 

            La religión está sucia en todas partes, ¿cómo, por qué?

La locura que es la niñez. Eso es lo que significa estar viva: sufrir dolores profundos del alma y también reírse por horas con las más inocentes. 

Disfruté de la oportunidad de jugar al voleibol y salir un poco de mi zona de confort. 

 

Mother Dear, today is your birthday, or it would be? No sé qué tenso sería… Pero también hoy siente como cualquier otro día, quizás las emociones vendrán más tarde. Or maybe I’m just numb. Will I cry with no notice? Or will I be stoic as a stone? Will I feel supported by my friends or just feel all alone? Mostly, Mom, there’s no one for me to call–you just aren’t here, it’s as plain as that. Maybe I’ll just watch your slideshow and share it with some friends cuz they’ll never get to meet you and hear your infectious and care-free laugh in person. 

            Being honest with my emotions is hard, especially when I don’t know what they are. 

 

¿Sabías que mi mamá escaló Mt. Whitney por su cumpleaños de 30 y se enojó con mi padre por no venir desde Oregón para hacerlo con ella?

 

Tengo que averiguar el tipo de queso que Tere usa para las quesadillas. 

Gracias por correr y mi cuerpo que me lleva por las calles, por el olor del pan, y por Morgan que fue fuera de su camino para reunir conmigo durante lo mío, aunque no era necesario. 

            ¡Por Izzy!

Mi corazón rompió un poco en pensar en todo que esos niños inocentes han vivido, 

 

Muchas bendiciones hoy. 

Y preguntas. ¿Cuál es la cosa más importante de nuestra fe? ¿Es confiar en algo más grande que nosotros? ¿O tener una relación personal contigo? ¿O ayudar a los demás? 

Estoy orgullosa de papa por priorizar su salud mental en vez de aceptar un ascenso. 

Siento agradecida por pan de calabazas y las amigas que lo compartieron conmigo

Yay por dos “strikes in a row” durante bolinche y oreo cheesecake después. 

 

octubre

Era un gozo buscar las palabras que pensé que cada uno necesitaba oír. 

Un día llena de luz hoy, pero que contiene una historia oscura y malvada aquí en México, 

                        “el 2 de octubre, no se olvide.”

Gracias por caminar por Carretes y disfrutar la compañía de los árboles. 

To be like a tree by Carrie Newcomer, era como una respiración profunda. 

The remnants of this morning’s dew blur my windowpane, making the passing countryside seem like a mirage.

Pasamos por la puerta del cielo, 8550 pies de altitud y ¡tanto verde!

Imagino que la mayoría de las mujeres aquí no tienen mucho control sobre sus destinos. 

No puedo creer que seis meses han pasado. Es tanto tiempo, pero nada a la vez. 

Today we were on the river, and I thought about Mom of course, and her rafting days and how she absolutely would’ve loved this tidbit of our trip. 

 

Abracemos el árbol de deseo

No voy a escribir mucho hoy sino agradecerte por la neblina en las montañas y yoga.

Ayer fue un sueño de fiebre, Te aseguro

Will nos compartió la imagen de la línea de ropa. Y como es algo tan íntimo y común a la vez. 

Ayúdame a ser más como Sabines, buscando la poesía en cada esquina de la vida. 

I almost forgot where I walked, so transfixed was I by the nymph-like wonder of those trees

 

I hate that I don’t want her here, that she feels like an intrusion. 

 

Gracias por cyclopata con Moni y caro, ¡las amo mucho!

 

An interlude for grief:  

I feel it in my chest, there’s a literal ache

             in my throat, the sobs I’ve held back 

             for weeks break through like a flood

I have no idea what to do

I think the grief is catching up with me

it’s been begging for attention and I’ve just ignored it. 

I                       never                           learn. 

I trap my feelings and they slow me down and

hold me back and weigh heavy upon my shoulders

I drag them along and feel 

                        heavy

                        tired and heavy

and I couldn’t even have told you why. 

For what do I do when the grief hits hard?

And my heart feels heavy, broken in shards?

 

He llevado este luto por demasiado tiempo sin saber lo que debo hacer con este. 

La verdad es que estoy muy cansada ahorita. 

Cada cosa que Zab hace “rubs me the wrong way.” Pero dame paciencia y empatía y gozo para tenerla aquí y ayúdame disfrutar de su presencia 

Gracias por mi sándwich de crema de cacahuetes y miel. 

Por Anna y Mercy y vínculos creados por no gustar a estilos de arte que son sexistas y racistas

*Ahh beso de cocinera*

Estás en la paciencia de Tere por sus nietas y su resistencia y amor. 

Bebí uno de esas cosas pequeñas de yogur/de color durazno que me recordé de mi niñez en Tailandia.

Tengo tantas cosas para decir pero no energía suficiente para escribirlo todo pero ¡gracias por globos!

 

Hoy fue un día pesado pero todavía con haces de luz–las cosas siempre van así.

La historia de México es algo tan confusa y contradictoria. 

Gracias por Nanna y por todos que están con ella ahorita, 

darle consuelo y paz como solo tú puedes

            Tu misericordia Dios, te lo pido. 

Grace and dependence work in strange ways. May I sit where it hurts and cry when I need to, smile in the sunshine and dance to the music. 

            I don’t know how heaven works but I hope that mom welcomed Nanna home today

Ganemos 4 veces, #undefeated

Gracias por yoga, libros, Vésperos, y la oportunidad para terminar algunos de mis poemas

              por papel picado y tamales hechos en casa con mucho amor. 

 

noviembre

Ayúdame a ser presente y fiel a mis emociones y sentimientos mientras que proceso muerte esta semana.

Fui al panteón y me sorprendió lo difícil que era estar allá. Me acordó de la tumba de Mama y el cementerio sin colores y vida en que ella está enterrada. 

La artista puso su alma en estas pinturas verdaderamente increíbles. 

 

Siempre es un struggle llegar a tiempo al bus. 

Corrí con Mercy hoy por dos parques, es mi forma favorita de conocer una nueva ciudad. 

Fuimos en viaje en una camioneta que era muy parecida a los song thaeos de Tailandia–tenía un blast;)

Tenemos muchos enfermos en el grupito hoy

Siempre es bueno comenzar el día con un poco de movimiento. 

extrañe mucho a mi madre en el bus hoy, tenía un ataque de llantos, heaving sobs if you will. Pero podía preguntar por ayuda y sentí el confort y apoyo de mis amigas. 

Gracias por Morgan y su corazón por todos y su atención a los detalles. 

 

Fue un día relajado y la verdad es que no hice mucho. Así es la vida a veces. 

            Today I sat and watched Andrea Michelle eat a mandarin for about 20 minutes 

Hoy fue un poco de un día extraño, pues, no sé. 

 

Esté con estas mujeres tan fuertes que han huido de sus países.

Caminé a la escuela con todos de quintas, awww. 

Quizás podemos ser buenas compañeras en este camino de dudas y fe y preguntas. 

 

Gracias por huevos a la mexicana, una panadería francesa y un croissant de almendras que vino del cielo, por el sol, baile, Ella, chai frappés, y el caos que éramos durante traducción. 

Era buena conversación y práctica pensar en todas las dificultades de ciudades y “urban planning”. 

¡La lluvia! 

Acabo de malgastar como una hora en mi teléfono, grrr. 

I have an odd ache in my chest, not like an ailment, but like a soul ache. I don’t really even know how that works. Maybe that’s why I was on my phone, I didn’t want to deal with whatever was going on here. 

Tenía que grind en mi tarea hoy. 

Mi corazón sonrió al ver a las niñas bailando con su mamá. 

 

I just need a break oh my. 

 

Tenía un postre de calabaza de Galileo por el Día de Gracias hoy. 

Vi el paisaje mexicano por mi ventana en ruta a Guanajuato. 

Corrí y exploré con Mercy esta mañana y pasemos por un túnel larguísimo.

Hoy me levanté sin voz, oy vey. 

Tuvimos un partido de voleibol y perdimos, pero ¡me divertí!

 

I never want to forget this picture of Emma, standing in the hallway with her feet hidden in too big slippers and as always, wearing that inquisitive look. 

 

A thank you for my host family:

I was seated at the table. I had long finished my quesadillas and taquitos de picadillo and simply observed my dear host family. What a joy it was, to simply be and listen and exist alongside such a crew of women and gals. It made me mourn what I’ve lost but feel such joy in the serendipity of that moment. Of the chaos of family and the strength of women and the small victories that give us all life and pride. Mari Te got all 10s on her recent test and it was a gift to see three generations of Ocampo women congratulating her and giving her little lessons of how life goes, how hard work reaps successes. Andrea was running around, and Emma was off who knows where, but it just felt so special–sacred almost– to be there. 

 

Siempre es una buena señal cuando termina el día y no me siento abrumada ni agotada. 

Ya es el fin de noviembre, no lo puedo creer. 

 

diciembre

Tomé el bus incorrecto hoy (65≠69); tenía que bajar temprano y correr para llegar a tiempo.

I’m feeling a Little melancholic right now, por la vida llena de tristeza por millones de personas: los que mueran intentando cruzar el mar, en bombardeos, por disparos. 

Tengo que encontrar una forma de aprender árabe. 

Fue otro día extraño y para terminarlo, perdí mis llaves, no sé cómo ni dónde, espero que las manifiesten en algún lugar

Desafortunadamente mis llaves siguen perdidas. 

Gracias por las amistades que hemos desarrollado en CAMMI, poemas, y un churro relleno de chocolate. 

Momentos bonitos: ¡correr! caminar con Morgan, una clase corta de historia, un cruffin de dulce de leche, tiempo con ella mientras que compartimos una torta, y malteadas locas. 

Escogí el tema de “gentleness” por casualidad, solo me llegó a través del proceso de escribir y reflexionar. 

Tuvimos la fiesta de Mary hoy y me encargué de picar la fruta para la sangría. 

Me gustó mucho la fruta, pero la parte de vino, no tanto. 

Estoy agradecido por un día de Mercy, explorando San Miguel y charlando. 

Tengo una perforación de cartílago y es una luna preciosa. 

No me parece real que mañana me voy de aquí, de esta ciudad que ha sido mi casa por los últimos cuatros meses. 

Cuando llegué aquí, todo Querétaro se extendió en frente de mí, invitándome a conocerla, a conocerme a través de ella. 

La vida es así, con sus cambios y cauces, los vaivenes son partes naturales de nuestras existencias. 

A thought: “But either-or is a construction more deeply woven into our culture than into nature, where even antagonists depend on one another and the liveliest places are the edges, the in-betweens, or both-ands”. The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan

Weird mental health day but thankful for contacts, finally!

Help me take care of myself these next few days. 

I am so sleepy, but I’ve barely been awake for 12 hours…

Clearly I was a bit delirious with exhaustion last night, but grateful for skiing and a lovely blue sky. 

The stress was real during our little morning world cup party, but yay for Messi and Argentina!

Reeling, grieving, screaming, where is my mother? Hey Jude plays in the background and the notepad in front of me suddenly becomes the most interesting thing in the room. 

Oh God, enter into this home

I did not see that coming. 

Today was oddly normal, I guess we just ignored that yesterday happened. 

The solstice: 

It’s dark and cold 

And the longest night of the year 

as I sit in the dim sanctuary

in silence 

as our collective breaths rise and fall 

and our hearts break individually

but collectively. 

The singer’s voice breaks 

and the pianist continues along

as the woman weeps 

but as she regains her voice, 

her words and her posture allow us all 

to grieve, 

to sit in our sadness as we cry out

“God, stand beside us grieving our loss 

And be for us the hope of peace” 

I light a candle to remember her, 

There are lots of candles to 

remember her. 

be still, my soul

peace be still, 

be still my soul

be still my soul

my soul, my weary and broken and grieving soul

be still my soul

Thankful for cute Thailand updates from Mercy and lots of major honors project brainstorming. 

For lots of time spent going through my journals of this past year and selecting a sentence-ish from each day to put in my lil doc and for snow gently falling. 

Even though this holiday is definitely not celebrated on your birthday, it is still a beautiful reminder of how radical and countercultural your coming was. 

You are in small children who forget their lines and the imagery of the light from the Christ candle being passed to each person in the sanctuary. 

Christmas felt oddly normal, which I suppose has been my anthem of 2022. 

The pitter patter of the rain outside my window feels grounding and comforting even, now that I’m cozy and dry inside. While skiing, said rain was neither grounding nor comforting.

It’s a little disheartening to see that so little is being done to remedy the immigration situation, especially for Dreamers. 

Thank You for Bryan Stevenson and his words: “By hearing a condemned man sing, I understood things about the humanity of all God’s children, the yearning and need to be an agent of redemption and change and freedom for all people.”

A day out in Your creation was soothing for the soul, with at least a dozen bald eagles spotted and a day spent skiing under blue skies in some fresh powder with a dear friend.

We must remember to fight the good fight. 

Oh my, thankful for dawn patrol; I lay on my board in the water, cradled between the rising sun and the lush green mountains and there was nowhere else I would have rather been. 

Here ends 2022. As Kate Bowler writes, “There is no life in general. Each day has been a collection of trivial details–little intimacies and jokes and screw-ups and realizations.” 

And this has been my collection of trivial details. 

Thank You for being here. 

<3 Riley